Anger as Man Prioritizes Financially Helping Mom Over His Pregnant Wife
A father-to-be's decision to continue providing financial support to his elderly mom to ensure she no longer has to work has drawn criticism from his heavily pregnant wife in the face of the mounting costs associated with raising children.
While some experts put the couple's quarrel down to a difference in values, the response was not the same when the details were shared on social media.
According to a survey of 1,000 new parents in the U.S., which was conducted by the financial product comparison website lendedu, the average cost of raising a child during the first year of their life is $13,186.
Given that kind of outlay, it's understandable that the expectant mom posting to Mumsnet under the handle Kardalen has some money concerns.
According to the post, she currently works part-time, but is pregnant with what will be the couple's second child and due to her impending maternity leave, they "won't be having much income coming in."
That's where the issue with her mother-in-law comes in. According to the post, the mom-in-law currently lives with her husband's other siblings who have "full time jobs" and "good salaries."
Saving Money
Despite this, her husband has been contributing $200 a month towards her living costs, though he told his wife that money is simply "for her spending" rather than household bills as he doesn't want her to work.
However, at the same time, his wife said they have already taken drastic steps to save money and even moved back in with her parents as "they want us to save."
She said that when she pointed out the disparity to her husband he got "very annoyed" and threatened to go and stay with his mom. The pregnant wife said his generosity was especially galling as he never "treats" her to anything.
"I always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to are halved," she wrote.
While the expectant mom remained indignant, Clinical Psychologist Kelly Workman, the founder of Mindset Wellness and Consulting, told Newsweek both sides made valid points.
"There's validity in the pregnant mom's financial concern considering the costs of a new baby, less income, and additional expenses but there is also validity in the husband wanting to contribute to the financial support of his mother," she said.
Finding a 'Middle Path'
"This may be related to values and it's ok for partners to have different values as long as they have a way to communicate effectively and find a middle path when needed."
She urged the couple to try and find a "middle path" by communicating concerns "from a place of curiosity" rather than negativity.
"For instance, saying something like 'I'm feeling very stressed and concerned about our finances when this baby comes. Can you help me understand how you're thinking about finances and how we can continue to afford everything once I'm on leave?'" she suggested.
"By stating our feelings in a way that does not involve blaming or accusing someone, we have a greater chance of having a productive conversation. When we include judgments and assumptions in our communication, it's typically going to elicit defensiveness which gets us nowhere."
But while Workman felt it was simply a matter of communication, many on social media sided with the expectant mom. "You can't even afford your own home with two kids, and he's giving money away?" Hollyhocksarenotmessy wrote. "That's a weird situation."
Limer felt the husband had "his priorities backwards" adding "even without the completely crazy idea of paying mother-in-law to sit at home, why isn't he providing for his actual wife and family?"
MMmomDD said: "All around it's a strange situation with money management.
He can't really afford to help his mom to the extent he wants to" with 3peassuit writing: "He can only afford to give money to his mother because you are living with your parents. He is expecting you and your parents to subsidize his mom."
Newsweek wasn't able to verify the details of the case.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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